David Raffin

Miss Muffet grew up to market and sell successfully a line of tuffets which were supposed to be spider repellent. They didn’t work but she became a very wealthy woman. You can look her up on the web.

Now that I have your attention, I would like to remind you of the old addage that 10 whistles are made of 10. And that adds up. If they’re Roman whistles they are X-rated. And that adds up. And 789. And that adds up. And so does an abacus. Summation.

Everyone should have an evil twin. Or an evil triplet or two evil triplets, that’s one to spare. If you think an evil triplet would spare one.

All ears ring in the news.

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199x. A Nazi skinhead walks up to me. His eye twitching. He looked me right in the eye. Gets a little too close. Then he grunts, “You didn’t get that nose and them lips by being 100% white.”

Relieved, I said “Thank you.“

For a minute there I thought there was gonna be trouble.

He seemed confused when I said thank you and walked away. But he just stood there. Kind of stupidly.

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Police don’t like to go to prison. It’s bad optics. If they convicted more police we could have a special place they go to. Kind of a “home for wayward police.” (We tone down the name because they don’t like us to say bad things about them.) And then we could abolish the prisons. And having abolished the prisons, of course then we could abolish the police. Because we wouldn’t need them then. Because their only job would be to arrest other police. And that would just be crazy. Keeping them around just for that.

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A classy dirty joke

If you have no time to send a nude selfie perhaps a line drawing? Primitive. Primal.

If there is no time for the whole thing, a butt outline.

Halftone?

Is this an ***hole?

Did you get good marks in school?

I didn’t think so. This line drawing is terrible. No curves at all I can pick up on.

This is not a line. I am from the art institute. It’s out in the boonies where I can smell the Dairy Air. They let me out for good behavior but I failed. Oh, poo.

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The root of the problem

My friend was walking down the street at night and she tripped over a tree root on the sidewalk. Bending down she noticed it looked exactly like a phallus. She returned later that night and placed a condom on it. For safety’s sake. The city removed it the next day. Don’t worry, they left the balls.

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Question:

Does everyone in Nantucket do a bunch of kinky rhyming shit?

Asking for a poet.

There once was a man from Nantucket. Took his entire family to an old-fashioned talent agent, live entertainment experiencing a comeback. Armed with a bucket, potato gun, & a zippo, they were asked to leave, unmasked entertainers. being unwanted. Fuck it.

Tragedy preverted.

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Spring is coming. Do you have a pointy stick? A lot of people try to use the same pointy stick from season to season. That’s why I sell certified, brand new, sharp, pointed sticks. You know they get dull over time.

People ask about pointed sticks I sell. Certified organic.

They say, “Does your business have a point?”

“Every pointed stick I sell has a point.”

I point them to the latest model. There’s a more expensive one, it’s purpose is to make them buy the model below it. That’s the point.

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